Maria Duval - Bouncing Back From Difficult Times

Bouncing Back From Difficult Times
Life happens. It doesn?t matter how positive an attitude you have or how balanced and centered you are, there are going to be times when you are knocked down. Ties when your carefully organized life is turned upside down and you get knocked on your rear end. Life happens.

You will no doubt experience serious illness in either yourself or someone close to you. You may be challenged with the loss of a loved one, a divorce or perhaps the loss of a job or any number of situations that will leave you feeling like you were kicked in the stomach.

Let?s face it. These things will happen. They?re part of life and no matter how you try to explain them away with the idea that, "everything happens for a reason," they hurt. A lot! They hurt at the very core of your being. The pain begins in your heart and radiates throughout your entire being. Repeating positive phrases does not make it stop hurting.

At times like these, you?re going to feel down, even depressed. You probably feel anger or some other manifestation of your pain. Whatever you?re feeling, it?s ok. It?s ok to feel hurt, sad, angry or whatever your true feelings are. You cannot deny pain any more than can deny fear. The only way through either of them is to give yourself permission to feel the feeling.

The question is not whether or not you will feel down. The question is for how ling will you stay in this state?

The difference between people who get through life?s challenging moments, regardless of the seriousness, and those who are immobilized by the events is what I call the "Bounce factor."

How quickly can you bounce back? Of course, the severity of the event will have a lot to do with the time it will take you to get past the pain and on with your life.

Take the example of two people being downsized from their high technology jobs, something that is becoming a natural occurrence these days. One, whom we?ll call John, is floored by the news of his dismissal. He expresses his pain by becoming angry at the company, his co-workers and the system in general. He spends his days telling anyone who?ll listen, about his "problem." Usually from a bar stool.

As he sees it, his life is ruined and he?s blaming everyone for his troubles. People who react like John spend weeks, even months, wallowing in despair until, if they?re fortunate, someone close to them convinces them to seek professional help.

Mary, on the other hand, reacts much differently. Although she has gone through the same experience as John and has pretty much the same issues like living expenses, etc., she chooses to react differently.

After a brief period of feeling a loss of self-esteem, self-pity and anger, Mary decides to get back in the game. She begins contacting her network of colleagues and co-workers, avails herself of the outplacement services her former employer offered everyone and starts actively looking for a new position. In a short time, Mary finds her "dream job" with an exciting new company.

While both people in our hypothetical example Had the same experience and both went through a period of hurting, the time each allowed themselves to remain in that dis-empowering state was vastly different. While John remained "stuck" in his problem, Mary handled her loss and moved on with her life.

This is the key. It?s not whether life occasionally puts you into a tailspin, it?s how long you remain there.

When something devastating happens to you, allow yourself some time to grieve your loss, however, don?t allow yourself to get stuck there. Take some action. Join a support group, talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or your spiritual advisor. If necessary, seek professional help.

In the case of a job loss, perhaps you want to take some time to re-evaluate your career goals. You may even consider a change in fields. When you?re ready, you can begin networking and making new contacts. Attend social or church events. Call people you know. Do something!

One of the most important things to remember in high stress situations is not to allow yourself to isolate. While spending some time alone is normal, even necessary, isolation can be dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Get out and be with people as soon as possible. As a friend recently reminded me, "life is for the living." It?s important to get back to your life. In time, the pain will pass.

Jim Donovan is a motivational speaker and the author of several books, including Handbook to a Happier Life (New World Library). For a free ebook or audio and a subscription to his newsletter visit http://www.jimdonovan.com

Developing An Optimistic Attitude
How's your attitude lately? I caught myself doing something surprising a few days ago: being a pessimist!

I was working on a big project and making great progress, when suddenly I encountered a big obstacle that would take more time and energy to get through than I had anticipated. The first words out of my mouth were, "Of course, everything always goes wrong for me." Gasp! Who said that?

I tend to think of myself as a positive person most of the time. I almost always have a smile or laugh available, and I try to look on the bright side of things. But I wasn't always like that. I spent most of my early life stuck in negative thinking. For the past few years I've worked very hard on changing my mindset to a positive one, and helping others to do the same. The other day I realized just how easy it is to slip back into negative thinking again.

To be fair to myself, I was frustrated when I uttered that negative phrase. It's understandable that we get upset when things go wrong. However, what I said simply isn't true. Everything always goes wrong for me. At that moment, all of the hard work I've done on myself over the past few years vanished. I was right back where I used to spend most of my time: being a "victim."

I like to joke that I own lakefront property in "Victimville." ;-) But I don't have to stay there. None of us do.


Expecting the Best
You've probably heard the phrase, "Expect the Best, but Prepare for the Worst." Do you really expect the best? Or are you just waiting for something negative to happen so you can say, "Everything always goes wrong for me." Isn't preparing for the worst the same as expecting the worst?

We can't expect the best AND the worst. We have to choose. In my moment of frustration, I was expecting the worst. Once I realized what I was doing, I decided to change it around. One obstacle does not mean my whole project is ruined. It just means I might have to work a little harder, or a little longer to reach my goal. What's the big deal? At that moment, the big deal was that I wouldn't achieve the outcome I was expecting, in the timeframe I expected to do it. Ah, notice the word "expect" sprinkled throughout that statement. How often do our expectations get us into trouble? For most of us, quite often!

So I uttered a phrase that would cancel out my previous negative one: It's all good. Whether I meet my goals or not, it's all good. Even if more obstacles come up, it's still all good. Everything happens exactly when it's meant to. That phrase has the power to relieve all pressure and stress, if we allow it to.


Reinforcing Postive Thoughts
The truth is, positive thinking takes consistent effort. It would be great if we could "fix" our negative thinking once and for all, and never have to worry about it again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. We have the tendency to form habits around our most common routines, whether physical or mental. In order to change negative thinking into positive thinking, we need to work at it constantly.

There are two ways to do this:

Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones - It takes practice, but you can actually catch yourself thinking negative thoughts. Begin to form an awareness of when this happens. Because I've been working at this for so long, I immediately noticed when I uttered that negative phrase. If you are new to positive thinking, it might take some time for you to notice when negative thoughts come barging in. When you do notice them, immediately question the thought. Is it really true? Does it accurately reflect your reality? Even if it does, you can still choose something else. What reality would you like to create? Then form a positive statement that will cancel out the negative one. Every time you come across a negative thought, go through this same inner process. Question the negative thought and then replace it with a positive one.

Preventative maintenance - You don't have to wait for negative thoughts to come up in order to start thinking more positively. Make it a habit to purposely feed your mind positive thoughts each day -- several times a day. Keep it simple. Say things like, "I am a good person." -- "I love my life." -- "I'm good at what I do." -- "I make my own good luck." -- "I choose to be happy." -- and my personal favorite, "It's all good."

At first you might not really believe these positive thoughts, and that's okay. Keep at it. Say them as if you really did mean them, and eventually you will begin to believe it. Remember that our negative thinking patterns are a result of YEARS of reinforcement. Changing negative thinking patterns to positive ones takes time.

I'm in this journey with you, you are not alone. Remember that it IS a journey. We don't have to rush to the finish line, we just need to enjoy the scenery. It's all good -- really! :-)

Wendy Betterini is a freelance writer who strives to motivate, uplift, and inspire you to make your dreams a reality. Visit her website, http://www.WingsForTheHeart.com for more positive thoughts to help you on your journey.